Stressed Out

This one is for the worriers. For those terrified of the future, but more afraid of what happens if the future never comes. For the “I don’t know what I want to be”s and the “I want to change who I am”s. To the people that want to factor money out of their decisions and those that don’t have the luxury. For the almost twenty-somethings afraid to be twenty-something, and the twenty-somethings afraid to be thirty. For the “I’ll never make it”s to the “what happens if I do”s. For when “I’ll think about it later” turns into ten seconds from now and continues into the rest of the week. To the constant crisis-haver, the out loud thinker, and the scribbled worry-note taker. For everyone running out of fingernails to devour or with lips already red from chewing or fingers tired from tapping or leg sore from shaking. For the venters with no one left to vent to, for all the “I don’t need you to fix it, I just need to talk!” To those with concerns that are always one-upped by someone else’s trumped up stresses or sorrows. To the “can’t shut my mind off” night-thinkers and ocean-draining-shower stresses. To the molehill-from-mountain makers. For the person who swears the next good-natured nobody that tells them “don’t worry” is getting punched in the face.

I am absolutely a worrier. I think at times I come across as very free-wheeling and lowkey, but on the inside, it is a constant high-intensity screech of panic. Something is always being forgotten about, or not going as planned and even if I can fix it, who knows if I’ve fixed it right? I have some legitimate concerns. I need a place to live in the fall or else I’m spending my senior year in a dorm. I also don’t know if next year is really my senior year if I’m going to graduate in May 2017 or December 2017. If I am graduating I need an internship this summer. I don’t know how to find an internship in Houston because most UT resources are in Austin. There are no internships in publishing in Houston, but is publishing what I really want to do? So on and so far. I have five-year worries instead of a five-year plan. I fear the empty spaces. For a while I have tried to let go. For the most part, I have all the appearances of letting go- and some things I have let go. I’ve found, however, that when I attempted to really let loose the anxieties I ended up letting loose the good worries. Like good fats, I became nutrient-deficient in caring about my own life. My grades, my appearance, my social life, my diet and all the small daily worries took a back seat to Netflix and going with the flow. I cannot pick and choose my worries- for me, this is all or nothing. I had to find a different strategy, than the carefree, hippy-like “don’t worry” that I was hearing and seeing everywhere.

People are going to say not to worry. Its nature to comfort and that is a hard-wired, go-to, mother’s recipe comfort phrase. Let them say it. Let them wave off your fears and smile and pretend you have instantly heeded their advice and given up all your material and immaterial worries for life off the grid somewhere in Alaska. It will be instinct to try and make them feel the worry as well, to make the worries opaque and impassable as to never be denied. Suppress the instinct and walk away. Sometimes they’re right, but occasionally, when all alone, it is okay to worry one's heart out. Give in to it. Worry about everything until even death has been worried about and then worry about the afterlife; but when the worrying is finished, what you can’t solve you let go. Right then and there wipe the worry from the slate, and realize this is no longer worrying but just a cleansing of the mind. I know, of course, it’s hard to just say “I’m done with this”, it may very well show up again in future mind-cleansing sessions, but revel in the fact that it is all there in front of you. Look at how little it really is. The worries may feel big but count them instead. Five is not so many at all, and ten is so doable, and twenty really just comes with the territory of being alive. Live a hundred years and there will be a million worries, but live a life with no worries and think about how many have worried over you. My dear over-thinker, be grateful.

Let's Reflect

I have just finished the first week of my second year at the University of Texas and I realized that I never posted a last weekly post on ThinkingMayan. I find myself needing some closure, some final summation of my experiences with weekly writing.

I find myself bored on a Saturday.

For the most part this blog was a selfish endeavor. It was therapy after struggling through a freshman year of college where I lacked motivation and drive. It held me to a higher standard that I had lost dealing with school and, above all, gave me an outlet to express the ill-formed ideas that I jotted in the corners of notebooks. That’s what my Trayvon Martin piece was and that’s how a lot of my best pieces begin. I didn't know who I intended to read the things that I wrote, besides my mother, but I was surprised every time to find people that had read it and appreciated it. People that would text me or tweet me to continue to write which was lovely but never my explicit purpose in writing. I wrote on a weekly basis to remind myself what I do well. I tell stories.

Over the course of this blog I am sure I have often come across as very serious at times. I’m sure this is how I come across in person as well, but I have always wanted nothing more than to be funny. Over the years I have found that there are just two things I could never quite figure out for myself: goofy and sexy.  Sarcastic, sure, humorous, at times, pretty, yes, but goofy and sexy are always just out of reach. I have learned through my writing that I can get by without either. Humor is tricky and important and the guiding force in my life. My brother could get a laugh pulling faces or making noises but it was never my nature to be silly; all I’ve ever had is my ability to use words. Goofy doesn’t teach you timing like writing humor does. You can’t throw everything up front and expect people to stick with the story, and you can only rely on the images you create. I also don’t want to imply that I do humor well. I think I’m hilarious as I also think well-timed cursing is hilarious, but my mother would very much disagree. Humor is so subjective. But one of the highlights of ThinkingMayan this summer was writing about my father and his injuries. I had no idea how he would take me writing about him, but I stood sheepishly to his side while he read and was surprised to hear him laugh loudly and hard and repeat the line, “If you have never seen an adult fall, be glad.” For all that my father and I do not understand about each other, we have always had a similar sense of humor. It was humor that often times made me continue to write: the idea of someone reading and laughing was worth the time of writing and editing and, in general, the “Excerpts from my Unwritten Memoir” posts were the most fun to do.

Not every idea was so easily fleshed out. There were several pieces I started that could never really hold water but it was okay. There were also, I’m sure, many lines I took out for fear of offending someone. Some of this I regret. I learned to loosen up quite a bit after the Trayvon Martin essay, after it was received so positively and I was so worried my words would be twisted. I also had to force myself to remain true to my thoughts in my Anniston piece, where I often felt that maybe I could be sweeter or gentler. On the surface of the issue, very few people were actually reading my work and in that sense it didn’t matter if someone was offended, but in a very real sense I felt like I received the response I did because I approached the issue so cautiously and respectfully that my sins were more easily forgiven. I could easily bring in a discussion in reference to life here, but that’s not what this post is so I’ll save it for another week.

At the sum of it, I enjoyed myself. I felt productive this summer. Though it was a selfish start, as I mentioned, I endeavored to entertain my online passerby, to inspire thought and create humor. If even one person got it, then all is not in vain. I will continue to write when the chances appear but this school year ahead looks like it will be giving me a run for my money. And by “my money” I mean “their money” because I gave them all my money in tuition. Special thanks to my mother, editor extraordinaire, and to anyone who has read every post or some posts or one post: you rock.

Excerpts from my Unwritten Memoir: My Father and Family Vacations

I am the product of some very hardworking parents. I love them very much but the fact that they are so diligent in their work makes it very hard for me to be lazy. Actually, I still find it easy to be lazy, it just comes with a certain degree of shame. In last week’s blog post I mentioned a little about my parents getting married. My mom was 20, my father was 21 and they had about 200 dollars between the two of them. Crazy. My dad was already in the military, he enlisted straight out of high school, and my mother was in college. After finishing college and working as a substitute teacher and paraprofessional in the various schools my brother and I attended, she has now been teaching second grade for almost 4 years. My father was a Marine for 20 years before he retired and now works for an oil and gas technology company while also completing his second Master’s degree. These are two crazy, cool people.

I say all this to say, after being so hardworking for so long, we have finally started to go on family vacations. The majority of our extended family lives in Alabama so ‘family vacation’ in the past translated to “taking vacation time to visit family”. Three years ago we took our first actual vacation to Hawaii. It could have been a fluke, going on a fun family vacation, but the next year it happened again! Last year, for spring break, we packed up and drove six hours to a cabin in Oklahoma, and this year we left the country for the first time as a family, on a trip to Costa Rica. Both vacations proved my father to be the unluckiest of us all.

My mother and I were worried about going to Oklahoma. We are not super wilderness people, though we do enjoy a good hike, and “cabin in Oklahoma” invokes some very rough, Bear Grylls-esque imagery. We were pleasantly surprised when we ended up in a spacious, solid wood cabin with a wood-burning fireplace and river just downhill. After getting necessary accoutrements, like toilet paper, (that we weren’t warned we needed ahead of time) from the general store a few miles down the road we were set for a few chilly days in the country where we hiked, chased the dog, and watched my dad catch zero fish. The day before we left my brother and I were throwing around a football in the steeply sloped yard. It was a nice ball, all heavy, rough leather, and being that I am about as nonathletic as they come, after a few decent throws I relieved my sore hands and passed the ball over to my dad, who was standing on the raised deck. They had thrown a few passes when my brother threw a pass just slightly to the right of my dad. Though my father spent much of his youth an athlete, at 46 years old there was no logical reason for him to attempt to leap from the deck and catch the ball in the air, and, as might be expected, he landed roughly, twisting his right ankle and sliding a little ways down the hill on his butt. By that night the ankle was heavily swollen, and the next morning he drove the 6 hours back home. If that logic doesn’t follow to you, welcome to the Hughley family. Keep in my mind, there were 4 people in the car with driver’s licenses. Ask my father, or any Marine, and they will gladly tell you there is no “retirement”: “once a Marine always a Marine”; for my father, this definitely applied to injuries and ignoring the toll that a 20 year military career had taken on his body. He’d had worse so he continued to walk on his swollen and sprained ankle for two months- until he broke it. After a surgery, a boot, a few days off work, and some physical therapy this may have been the most expensive vacation we’ve taken.

We deemed the injury an accident, and after he spent several months healing up, the whole endeavor was mostly forgotten. In March of this year, we excitedly left America for a few days in a beautiful resort near Guanacaste, Costa Rica. On the way to our spacious condo inside the gated resort, we noticed several signs marking hiking trails. We wasted little time in going out to explore in the hope of finding monkeys. My brother and his girlfriend went with us, but being the GoPro-ing, adventuring type they quickly departed to climb what was possibly the largest hill that could still be called a hill. My dad and I stuck to the trail which turned out to be a lie; it lasted maybe 3 minutes of walking before it just ran out and gave way to thick trees. We tried several of these fake leads, reaching the same conclusion, before we found one that was the most promising. We walked for a while, the leafy path below us sloping upward- and then it too ran out. We didn’t want to walk all the way back the way we had come, so my dad broke himself a small path to the edge of the trail using a heavy branch he had picked up along the way. Our gently elevating path had a very steep drop-off back to the road. Fresh peach in his left hand, large “walking” stick in his right, my father tested the distance with his stick and figured he could make it, before suggesting that I, the younger and more easily healed of the two, walk back a little ways where it was lower. Instead I stayed to watch, because if he could make it, surely I could as well.

If you have never seen an adult fall, be glad. There is something about watching a person who has been not-falling for decades, and clearly mastered that skill, succumbing to gravity that throws you for a loop. It is literally a train-wreck: something that is not supposed to be happening that makes you want to watch it all the more. My father rested his body weight on his stick, peach still in hand, and attempted to walk himself down, when something gave way (whether it was his feet for the stick, I could not be sure) and he fell, rolling a short way to the bottom. At the bottom he stood, brushed himself off and held his left hand up to me proclaiming, “I saved my peach”. We walked a while more, climbing a hill for the view when I took the picture below and noticed he had two long and bloody scratches down his arm. I, on the other hand, had not a scratch on me. After watching him tumble I heeded his advice and walked back down the path to take my own, less dangerous leap.

My father is a strong man, a stubborn one, and above all, possibly cursed. I can’t wait to see what unfolds next year; after all, third times the charm.

Nineteen

Today I felt like I look 19. I have included a picture below for reference.

Looking 19 feels significant to me for two reasons:

  1. Nineteen isn’t that important.

Every birthday someone probably asks you if you feel older. Most of the time you’ll say “no” but maybe on the milestone birthdays like 18, 21, or 40 you might be inclined to say “yes”. No one really feels 19. All of the formal adulthood allowances (voting, smoking, enlisting) came with 18 and drinking doesn’t come until 21, so 19 is just sort of purgatory. If you are lucky enough to have the comforts of one or more parents in a middle to upper-middle class home, like me, you probably aren’t doing anything very adult-like, you’re just waiting. However, a conversation with my mom and brother recently put things into perspective. At 23 my brother is about to move into his first apartment and asked my mother when she moved out.

“When I got married.”

The two of us chuckle. It seems a little archaic to us, staying at home till marriage, so I asked, “How old were you?”

“20.”

And that hit home. It wasn’t archaic, it just turned out that my mother and father felt they were ready to get married and my mother was still living at home because she was 20. My father had just turned 21 a few months prior, and my older brother wasn’t to come for another 4 years. Suddenly 19 felt very different to me. I wouldn’t change any decision I have made to get here, I am in no way ready to be married at 20*, but I don’t need to be ready. My mom getting married at 20 made 19 feel like it was full of possibility. In a way, it was a sort of ‘you can do so many things since you’re not getting married next year!’ (Sorry mom!). So looking 19 feels strange because 19 doesn’t really matter, but feeling 19 feels a lot like opportunity.

2. I haven’t always liked the way I looked- or the way I act.

This outfit makes me feel 19, but not necessarily what I think a 19 year old looks like today. As an extremely late 90’s kid, early 2000’s this is the 19 year old of my 10 year old dreams. This is the teenager I dreamed of being as an overweight, sweaty tween. The grungy oversized flannel, the Fresh Prince-era Nia Long black crop top (see below), the extra piercings (7 total). I like my style, I have come to terms with my body- but the biggest difference between me in the present and in the past is my attitude. In the past, I could have never worn this outfit. I would worry about my stomach fat, my hair laying down flat, the scars on my knees, etc. and I never would have thought to try this outfit on. I have always had a way of talking myself out of things, so not only did I look old but I acted old too. I never gave myself the opportunity to do anything goofy or childish, even as a child.

There’s the flannel! Seriously, everything I wanted to be

There’s the flannel! Seriously, everything I wanted to be

And the black crop top! <3

And the black crop top! <3

Now I look good because I feel good. In the more recent past, especially since turning 19 last month, I have realized that I can do what I want. It sounds stupid and obvious, but it has been the most freeing realization of my life because it means at the end of the day, when it comes to personal issues, my opinion is the most important in my life. So in this outfit I look 19 and I look cute. I don’t mind the belly fat because it is probably not going anywhere anytime soon, so why not wear the crop top? I don’t mind the hair because I am just happy it grows. And I don’t mind the knee scar, because I got that falling off my longboard just after midnight on my 19th birthday. It is the result of something foolish and goofy and exactly my age.

*Sidenote: It worked for my parents, they’ve been married for 27 years now- but lord knows it wouldn’t work for me!

And Then God Created Coconut Oil

Take this jar of coconut oil
and do me one last favor.
Scrape a small piece into your palm,
melt it in the warmth of your hands,
and smooth it into the cracks of my soul.

See, I believe in the healing power of the coconut.
I do not like its water
but thank God for it.
I am sure it has soothed many an aching throat
or bruised windpipe;
the oil rubbed in to remedy rope burn
as the water cools the fire on the inside.
Now its starting to taste too much like the Kool-Aid that everyone seems to be drinking.

See, for the healing to really work:

Make sure your coconut has a husk as dark as the skin of those who first knew its magic.
Or just skip the picking and buy it in a jar;
I am sure brown hands have touched it anyway.
Use it liberally.
Smear it on your neck, your back, your hair-
all the while truly believing that there is nothing the white salve can't solve.

See, I believe God gave us coconut oil as a substitute for Jesus himself.

Because they allow themselves to be crucified,
split open for their witchcraft,
just to cleanse us of impurity.
So please,smooth that white wonder onto my soul.
Let it work its way in.
Let it be magic,
or religion,
or both

Why Trayvon Martin's Death is my 9/11

As I anticipate that most people will find this title inflammatory, I will include a preface: 9/11 is also my 9/11. 9/11 is everyone’s 9/11.

There is no denying the tragedy or undermining the impact of such a significant event, and that is not at all my intent.

There are several reasons why I would put these events in the same category, and I don’t expect everyone to feel the same, but at the basis of 9/11, the impact on people not closely or directly affected is something of a time marker. On each anniversary I recall being asked in my classroom, “do you remember where you were when you heard about the attack?” I imagine in the years following the attack, this was a sensitive moment. Each student would have a story of the time and often a six-degrees-of-separation chain that connected them to an individual there. For me, on September 11, 2001 I had just arrived in Oceanside, California and was soon to be enrolled in kindergarten. I don’t know what I was doing and I definitely don’t remember any moments of tension. My first memory of 9/11 is actually several years after, hearing a memorial broadcast on the car radio while waiting for my mother in the parking lot of a grocery store. Being 19 now, there is no division between pre-9/11 and post-9/11 America; it is all post-9/11 for me. The heightened airport security, the visceral tension and looped memorial videos on September 11th each year, the unfortunate and unwarranted negative attitudes toward Muslim-Americans: these things have always been America for me.

9/11 is also the moment in time where many people lost trust in their own safety, in other people, and for a growing segment of the population, in the government. Many people are quick to dismiss conspiracy theorists, which is understandable, and the theory itself has become a common joke on the internet (“jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”). However, for a large portion of people, 9/11 was fundamentally a shattering of illusions; a symbol that things are not always fair, that life is not required to meet expectations, that we are not always safe.

Something I remember exactly is where I was when George Zimmerman was ruled “not guilty” for the death of Trayvon Martin. Sitting on the couch in the upstairs of my Texas home, I had complete, albeit unspoken, faith in a guilty ruling. At the time, I don’t think even I knew how passionately I felt. I remember the shock and disbelief. I remember getting in an argument over the ruling through text with a friend and classmate and being so heartbroken that I was even having the argument that I lost the strength to continue it. The wounds were too fresh and too raw. I turned to social media for comfort, and though there was some to be found, I felt like I was being punched in the stomach again to find that many people shared my classmate’s views. At 17 years old, the same age as Trayvon when he was killed, and only a year younger than he would have been at the moment of the verdict, my world divided.

For me there is a pre-Trayvon world, where I understood that people differed but believed that when it really mattered they could be sensitive, unbiased, and understanding. I believed that our government and our judicial system was the be-all and end-all, the pinnacle of justice. I still believed that the people I associated with were more likely to share my own point of view.

Post-Trayvon Martin, the world was no longer such a safe place to me. I no longer put my trust in the judicial system. I no longer naively trusted the people around me to be fair and unbiased. Many of my friends, my classmates, their parents and relatives, laid their opinions bare on social media, with little tact or courtesy, and I felt personally attacked. In Trayvon Martin’s death I saw myself, and even more vividly, I saw my brother, who was just 20 at the time. The post-Trayvon world is a place of fear and insecurity.

I know why I should remember 9/11 and I know why I do remember 9/11; but its waves of impact are fading with each generation. With each passing year we become more removed from the trauma and can see only its effect. I believe, however, every individual will have their own event that will strike with the suddenness of lightning, illuminating and capturing a moment of time and replacing illusion with raw truth. This does not make the events of the past any less tragic. It is an unfortunate part of being alive, but a necessary one, that teaches us how to experience and respect the tragedies of others. Though I wish Trayvon’s death and subsequent lack of justice had not had to happen, my disillusionment has served me well today. In a time where deaths continue to occur suspiciously in front of an even broader audience, I am grateful for my own consciousness.

The trial of George Zimmerman for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin was my event.

Trayvon Martin’s death will forever be my 9/11.

Season of Discontent

We pull our hair into messy buns

Displaying the fraying edges and change into ill-fitting clothes that have seen better decades

And we want men to love us

Even in this

This autumnal change of appearances

This departure from smoke and mirrors

Especially this.

But we go out in new coats of paint

And contrarily ill-fitting clothes

Summery in our touches

And wintry in our gaze

To attract the boys

But it is autumn again when they leave

We desire to be wanted for what we do not want to be loved for

It is the season of discontent