Today I felt like I look 19. I have included a picture below for reference.
Looking 19 feels significant to me for two reasons:
Nineteen isn’t that important.
Every birthday someone probably asks you if you feel older. Most of the time you’ll say “no” but maybe on the milestone birthdays like 18, 21, or 40 you might be inclined to say “yes”. No one really feels 19. All of the formal adulthood allowances (voting, smoking, enlisting) came with 18 and drinking doesn’t come until 21, so 19 is just sort of purgatory. If you are lucky enough to have the comforts of one or more parents in a middle to upper-middle class home, like me, you probably aren’t doing anything very adult-like, you’re just waiting. However, a conversation with my mom and brother recently put things into perspective. At 23 my brother is about to move into his first apartment and asked my mother when she moved out.
“When I got married.”
The two of us chuckle. It seems a little archaic to us, staying at home till marriage, so I asked, “How old were you?”
“20.”
And that hit home. It wasn’t archaic, it just turned out that my mother and father felt they were ready to get married and my mother was still living at home because she was 20. My father had just turned 21 a few months prior, and my older brother wasn’t to come for another 4 years. Suddenly 19 felt very different to me. I wouldn’t change any decision I have made to get here, I am in no way ready to be married at 20*, but I don’t need to be ready. My mom getting married at 20 made 19 feel like it was full of possibility. In a way, it was a sort of ‘you can do so many things since you’re not getting married next year!’ (Sorry mom!). So looking 19 feels strange because 19 doesn’t really matter, but feeling 19 feels a lot like opportunity.
2. I haven’t always liked the way I looked- or the way I act.
This outfit makes me feel 19, but not necessarily what I think a 19 year old looks like today. As an extremely late 90’s kid, early 2000’s this is the 19 year old of my 10 year old dreams. This is the teenager I dreamed of being as an overweight, sweaty tween. The grungy oversized flannel, the Fresh Prince-era Nia Long black crop top (see below), the extra piercings (7 total). I like my style, I have come to terms with my body- but the biggest difference between me in the present and in the past is my attitude. In the past, I could have never worn this outfit. I would worry about my stomach fat, my hair laying down flat, the scars on my knees, etc. and I never would have thought to try this outfit on. I have always had a way of talking myself out of things, so not only did I look old but I acted old too. I never gave myself the opportunity to do anything goofy or childish, even as a child.
There’s the flannel! Seriously, everything I wanted to be
And the black crop top! <3
Now I look good because I feel good. In the more recent past, especially since turning 19 last month, I have realized that I can do what I want. It sounds stupid and obvious, but it has been the most freeing realization of my life because it means at the end of the day, when it comes to personal issues, my opinion is the most important in my life. So in this outfit I look 19 and I look cute. I don’t mind the belly fat because it is probably not going anywhere anytime soon, so why not wear the crop top? I don’t mind the hair because I am just happy it grows. And I don’t mind the knee scar, because I got that falling off my longboard just after midnight on my 19th birthday. It is the result of something foolish and goofy and exactly my age.
*Sidenote: It worked for my parents, they’ve been married for 27 years now- but lord knows it wouldn’t work for me!